I shared it with him, so now, with you.

Okay, so I've had this secret that I've never told anyone before. And I told him about it last night. He didn't say much. As a matter of fact, he just kept looking at his computer and kept on playing his game. But I'll get to that.

I guess he was wondering why I was so shook up about the news about the bad pap. Why I'm so worried.

Well, it's because of this secret. For as long as I can remember, I have had this notion that I will one day have cancer. I don't know when, or where it will be. But I just know that I will have it someday. So everytime I have a brush with it, I think, oh dear god, this is it. This is when it's going to hit, this is when I have to face it. I am scared shitless of it. I cannot explain it, but it's like it's a guarantee. Like I know that I will have to fight it one day.

While still watching a game on the computer, he basically said, "Well, you said you have good women's intuition. Maybe that's what it is." And then he went on to share that this is what happened to his ex. She ended up with cancer and had to have a hysterectomy and once that happened, she turned into a bitch. Wow. Thanks, that makes me feel so much better honey. I knew I could count on you to lift my spirits! Then he just walked out of the room. Seriously. That's it.

I just shared a big dark secret with him and that's what I got? Wow. I don't even know what to say.

I DO hope that I am wrong. That my feelings are just a direct extension of my fear. But if so, I don't want to be crippled for life by this fear of the unknown; this fear of my arch-enemy cancer. It really does scare me bad.

But I am also a strong woman. I will fight it, that you can be sure of. And I am taking all the necessary steps to stay on top of my health with regular doctor visits and exams, mammograms, etc. I know how dangerous it is, and how much easier it is to fight if you catch it early. I also know that I won't go it alone. Even if he doesn't fully understand me or my feelings, he does love me and will be by my side to help me through it all. Not to mention my kids and sister and mom and friends, etc. No, I have an army on my side!

So, ha! Take that, cancer!