I wonder...

Why life has to be so hard. I mean, why does life just seem to fall into place for some, and then not for others. I'm one of the others, in case you're wondering.

I mentioned that life isn't any where close to the way I pictured it would be by now. I am still dealing with the issues that caused my marriage to fall apart, trying to figure out what I want out of life, and now I'm in a relationship that's, let's say, less than perfect.

About 6 months ago, an old friend came back into my life. He and I had SO much in common, and still do. The last time I saw him, his marriage was ending. Now, he's married (happily) and mine has ended. We joked that our timing is off. We're still great friends, but honestly, I cannot see that anything more can come from that. One thing that I never want to be accused of is breaking up a happy home.

So a couple of weeks ago, another friend from my past made contact with me. She and I met when my ex was stationed near her and just kind of lost contact. It was so wonderful to have her back in my life. We got to talking about old times and old friends, and one of our old friends came up and I asked about him. He had been in a relationship and I thought he was moving shortly after I had moved. I was wrong. He still lived there and she told him about getting in touch with me. He did. And it felt so great to talk to him on the phone. Our friendship didn't skip a beat and we picked right up where we left off.

However, the dynamic is certainly different now. Before, I was married, so there was never any question about what could've been between us. It was strictly a close friendship. Now there's this weird bit of unspoken tension there. I used to tell him everything. And we have SO much in common it's crazy. But now it's different. He does have a gf and I have a bf, though, so it's not like either one of us is talking in that manner.

Well, both of my friends have basically ordered me to visit them. So, I've been convinced and plan to go visit next week, sans child. I figure I need to just get away by myself. Well, my bf knows about it and about him, he seems 'okay' with it all, but I think he's worried considering how mad I've been with him lately. My friend's gf is totally pissed about him spending any time with me. She's known about me, but now that I'm actually coming, not to mention that I'm no longer married, she's jealous and worried. So this will probably be interesting.

I will certainly blog again about this, as it's been heavy on my mind and my heart lately.

Pissed off...

Okay, so I haven't blogged in a while, I know. I started this whole thing to relieve some stress, and it was (ironically) my stress that kept me from blogging. Any who. My BF is in the Guard, and for the past year, has been jerked around about when drill is, when the 2 weeks would be, when he'd get his bonus and so on. It's been a complete nightmare for not only him, but for me since we live together. It would be different if we were just 'dating' and I didn't depend on him for money or shared responsibilities around the house. But I do. So it sucks. And this month has been the absolute worst so far. I am so angry right now. Yes, I know 'that's the military for ya' but it's not right. When he's committed several years to them, they at least owe him what is due. He was supposed to have his bonus 2 weeks ago, and guess what? Still doesn't have it. He did his 2 weeks of required annual training, and guess what? Now they're arguing over WHO should have to pay him! The unit or the detachment? Who cares - pay him and then argue over who to write it off to. This is absolutely putting us into a bind financially because this means he's not getting a paycheck from his regular job since he wasn't working for 2 weeks. Great, huh? We counted on them, just as they have to count on him. Only the issue of reliability seems to be one-sided. Any you know what else? He (BF) doesn't want to 'rock the boat' by complaining. Well, hmmm, how else will this get resolved? It makes me mad that he's not willing to go and fight for what should have been his already. Why isn't his responsibility to me, to our household and family, important enough? I know that I'm just angry, but money is the biggest cause of problems in relationships. He just doesn't seem to get it, though. And all I end up with is a bad headache, stomach ache and a bad attitude because I'm so stressed and pissed off. He gets mad at me for being mad, for thinking he shouldn't take their dumb ass explanations as the final call, that I think he needs to go raise hell until this is fixed. He thinks that what he's told is the way it is. Yeah, right. I've seen it too many times where someone higher up can make things happen. Of course he can't. But he needs to go to someone who can. That's just the way it works.

I hate worrying about money and whether or not I can pay my bills. I hate having to rely on him, much less any man, for this. I wish life were simpler and I wouldn't have to do this. Maybe someday, I won't. But at least if I do have to rely on someone, I wish he were more reliable, or willing to at least fight for what's his.

Blog Virgin!

Okay, so I'm a virgin blogger and this whole concept is new to me. I was thinking that it might be kind of therapeutic to have a blog, kind of like an online diary. I'm hoping it will be, anyway. So I'm not really sure where to begin or what to write about.

I've had a lot of things swimming around in my head lately and that's what actually prompted me to start. I had starting writing in an online document and thought there must be a better way to do this. And I remembered another blog recently and I've been curious enough to keep checking her blog every couple of days or so, so I figured why not? I found so much in common with her - I figured this must be why people blog. To not feel so entirely alone, even if you don't even know that person at all. It just makes this big ol' world seem a little bit smaller and more personable.

Okay, so a little more about me. My current life is... different than I ever pictured it would be. I had the 'perfect' marriage, or at least it seemed to everyone else. What happened? Well, I just felt like we lost the passion and love and we were more like roomies than lovers. Terrible, huh? Well, we're still great friends and actually get along quite well, so that sure does make things easier. But after 10 years of marriage I never dreamed I'd be starting over, but that's exactly where I found myself about a year ago. We parted ways, and both started moving on. He found a gf and I have a bf. My bf, well, let's say that's probably what I'll do my next blog on...