Shit, not another brush with cancer.

Not again. I don't have time for this shit.

So, another pap came up with 'abnormal cells'. I know, it's not a guarantee to be cancer. But damn. How many times can you just keep having a brush with cancer and expect to come out cancer free? I mean, it's spreading through my family like wild fire. Aunts and Uncles, Grandparents, parents, etc. I mean, isn't it just inevitable?

I wish my odds of winning the lotto were this fucking good.

I may ramble, but I must clear my head.

I'm mad. I'm fucking pissed off. I have dealt with my fair share of female shit for a long time. Just rip all that shit out. I'm done with it. I've been cursed with PCOS, abnormal paps and colposcopies and LEEP and CONE procedures. I have had my heart ripped out with fertility issues. I have had pain, problems and worry and hurt. I'm done. I don't want this shit anymore.

I am worried. I don't want to have cancer. But I guess who does? I don't want to deal with this shit right now. I don't need more to worry about. I don't have time for this. I have my family, job, school, my life to deal with. Cancer just doesn't fit into this equation.

I know that he says he's by my side, but it worries me. He says I over react about things like this. To just wait and see. Hope for the best. Okay, you do that for me. I can't right now. I'm too busy worried that my number may have just come up in the cancer lotto and that it's now my turn to deal with this terrible infliction.

I hate this shit. I seriously wish there was a cure. You know that feeling you get when a friend or family member tells you they have cancer? You know, the one where you feel so bad, and hurt for them, but at the same time, feel relieved that YOU don't have it? Well, that feeling of relief is so fleeting. Because you just never know when it's going to rear it's ugly fucking head and show up on your doorstep.

How many times do we have to have scares with cancer before it gets us? I keep trying to look ahead, thinking, can't catch me! Well, what if it does? Scares the shit out of me.

I claim to be a strong person. But I'm not this strong. I am scared of losing my life, not watching my daughter grow up, much less my grandbabies.

AND I can't do a damn thing except wait.

Why do people continue to smoke/dip, etc. knowing full well that it increases your chances for cancer? Why deliberately dance with the devil? I cannot understand why people knowingly play with fire. Take life a little more seriously. You don't get another one. I didn't do a damn thing to bring this on, but this has hit too close to home too many times now. It pisses me off that people do shit like that and don't give a damn.

OK. I feel a bit better. Must start trying to think positive and re-direct my attention. I cannot do anything about it right now. For now, I wait and hope and pray for the best.