I shared it with him, so now, with you.

Okay, so I've had this secret that I've never told anyone before. And I told him about it last night. He didn't say much. As a matter of fact, he just kept looking at his computer and kept on playing his game. But I'll get to that.

I guess he was wondering why I was so shook up about the news about the bad pap. Why I'm so worried.

Well, it's because of this secret. For as long as I can remember, I have had this notion that I will one day have cancer. I don't know when, or where it will be. But I just know that I will have it someday. So everytime I have a brush with it, I think, oh dear god, this is it. This is when it's going to hit, this is when I have to face it. I am scared shitless of it. I cannot explain it, but it's like it's a guarantee. Like I know that I will have to fight it one day.

While still watching a game on the computer, he basically said, "Well, you said you have good women's intuition. Maybe that's what it is." And then he went on to share that this is what happened to his ex. She ended up with cancer and had to have a hysterectomy and once that happened, she turned into a bitch. Wow. Thanks, that makes me feel so much better honey. I knew I could count on you to lift my spirits! Then he just walked out of the room. Seriously. That's it.

I just shared a big dark secret with him and that's what I got? Wow. I don't even know what to say.

I DO hope that I am wrong. That my feelings are just a direct extension of my fear. But if so, I don't want to be crippled for life by this fear of the unknown; this fear of my arch-enemy cancer. It really does scare me bad.

But I am also a strong woman. I will fight it, that you can be sure of. And I am taking all the necessary steps to stay on top of my health with regular doctor visits and exams, mammograms, etc. I know how dangerous it is, and how much easier it is to fight if you catch it early. I also know that I won't go it alone. Even if he doesn't fully understand me or my feelings, he does love me and will be by my side to help me through it all. Not to mention my kids and sister and mom and friends, etc. No, I have an army on my side!

So, ha! Take that, cancer!

Shit, not another brush with cancer.

Not again. I don't have time for this shit.

So, another pap came up with 'abnormal cells'. I know, it's not a guarantee to be cancer. But damn. How many times can you just keep having a brush with cancer and expect to come out cancer free? I mean, it's spreading through my family like wild fire. Aunts and Uncles, Grandparents, parents, etc. I mean, isn't it just inevitable?

I wish my odds of winning the lotto were this fucking good.

I may ramble, but I must clear my head.

I'm mad. I'm fucking pissed off. I have dealt with my fair share of female shit for a long time. Just rip all that shit out. I'm done with it. I've been cursed with PCOS, abnormal paps and colposcopies and LEEP and CONE procedures. I have had my heart ripped out with fertility issues. I have had pain, problems and worry and hurt. I'm done. I don't want this shit anymore.

I am worried. I don't want to have cancer. But I guess who does? I don't want to deal with this shit right now. I don't need more to worry about. I don't have time for this. I have my family, job, school, my life to deal with. Cancer just doesn't fit into this equation.

I know that he says he's by my side, but it worries me. He says I over react about things like this. To just wait and see. Hope for the best. Okay, you do that for me. I can't right now. I'm too busy worried that my number may have just come up in the cancer lotto and that it's now my turn to deal with this terrible infliction.

I hate this shit. I seriously wish there was a cure. You know that feeling you get when a friend or family member tells you they have cancer? You know, the one where you feel so bad, and hurt for them, but at the same time, feel relieved that YOU don't have it? Well, that feeling of relief is so fleeting. Because you just never know when it's going to rear it's ugly fucking head and show up on your doorstep.

How many times do we have to have scares with cancer before it gets us? I keep trying to look ahead, thinking, can't catch me! Well, what if it does? Scares the shit out of me.

I claim to be a strong person. But I'm not this strong. I am scared of losing my life, not watching my daughter grow up, much less my grandbabies.

AND I can't do a damn thing except wait.

Why do people continue to smoke/dip, etc. knowing full well that it increases your chances for cancer? Why deliberately dance with the devil? I cannot understand why people knowingly play with fire. Take life a little more seriously. You don't get another one. I didn't do a damn thing to bring this on, but this has hit too close to home too many times now. It pisses me off that people do shit like that and don't give a damn.

OK. I feel a bit better. Must start trying to think positive and re-direct my attention. I cannot do anything about it right now. For now, I wait and hope and pray for the best.

Funny shit!

Well, I decided to blog about something funny, nice, lovable, etc. instead of all my 'I'm sick of all the BS in my life' posts that I normally do. So here goes.

Kids make me smile, laugh, cry, scream and feel more love than I ever knew was possible. Especially my kids. I say my kids, and I'm including my BF's kids in this category. While I may not have physically given birth to them, I sure as hell love them like they're my own.

Let's start with his baby girl, who I'll call Boo. She's two and a half now, going on 12! And she cracks me up all the time! She talks about herself in third person: that's Boo's ball; it's Boo's turn; I want Boo's cup; etc. Last night, we were goofing around and I told her that I was a Pretty Princess. She hollered, 'No! I'm Pretty Princess Tasha!' (from Backyardigans if you're not aware). I said, "Well, then I'm Snow White!" And she retorted, "NO! I'm Snow Black!" At this point, I'm laughing pretty hard, but I manage, "Then I'm Cinderella!" Not to be outdone, she tells me, "NO! I'm Cinderella's Daddy!" How can you not love that?

She has picked up several habits from me. For instance, every time she sneezed, I would say, "Bless you, Boo." Now, when she sneezes, she barely catches a breath before she follows it up with, Bless you, Boo. She blesses herself! Even in her sleep! And when she coughs, she would say bless you, so I started saying Goodness Gracious. So now, after she coughs, she says, "Gracious, Boo!" She's also picked up a couple of other gems, like "Sucka on your head!" because I tell her daddy that he's got Sucker Written on his Forehead. Rolling her eyes all the time, because I do. She now says, "I love you more". But the best is what she got from her Grandma. She learned to say, "GOSH O'MIGHTY!" Loud and all drawn out, at just the right time, too! It's hilarious! Although Grandma wasn't too thrilled to hear that coming out of the mouth of her sweet, innocent grand daughter!

Let's move on now to his son, who I shall call Shy Boy, or SB for short. SB is a very smart young man. Extremely caring and genuine. SB has a hard time, though, making friends and is extremely opposed to change. When I asked him to take a shower the other day, he just about had a shit in his pants! He ONLY takes baths. I told him it would be fine, and that at the age of 7, he should be comfortable doing that. He said he took a bath once and didn't like it. I explained that you can't just do something one time and make a decision like that. I talked to him about his fears, gave him a few pointers and then topped it off with a $1 bribe. Now, if you know SB, money talks! So off he went. And now, he loves showers! Crazy, huh? Slowly but surely I've been working with him about seeing how change can be a positive thing in his life. It makes me smile to see him growing, learning and feeling better about himself.

SB still says some cute things, like wanting to ride the Ferrist Wheel at the carnival. And telling me that sometimes we have to have bad stuff in our life in order for us to appreciate the good. But my favorite funny memory was from the first night we met, for dinner, for my birthday. As I was saying hello to someone I knew, he said, "This isn't my mom. She's one of my dad's girl friends." Awesome, huh?

Now, time for my sweet darling! Let's call her Cookie. My sweet Cookie has been growing up way too fast for me. First it was the desperate need to start wearing deodorant. Then the beginnings of acne on her face. Then the first boyfriend appeared, and they broke up, and then got back together, but now they're broke up because "What's the point. It's stupid anyways", or so I'm told. And last month, it happened. She casually informs me that she decided to shave her legs. WHAT???!!! Seriously, you just made this decision all on your own? WTF? Don't I get a say? Where'd you find a razor? You used my razor? OMG. This cannot be happening. My sweet baby is no longer a baby any more. Now we're shaving, wearing deodorant AND training bras, bikini style underwear with cute phrases on the butt. Why can't she just watch Barney and play with her Barbies? How did she grow up so fast? Where did she learn that the best way to find ANYTHING is to Google it? That is, after all, how she found out what sex was. Yep, try explaining all the crazy stuff that she found online that time! What's next? I swear to god that I will not be able to breathe if she comes home with tatts and piercings. That's just too damn much - I will not allow my child to become a pin-cushion for Christ's sake!

The good thing is, she does still show signs of innocence. Take this example. One day, on the ride home from school last year, she informs me that she has a boyfriend. SHIT! I thought. Okay... "Tell me about him." She looks at me like I've got two heads or something. I said, "Well, what's he look like?" Still giving me a puzzled look. So I asked her if he was more punk, Hip Hop rapper wannabe, cowboy, prep, athlete or what. She was like, "No, I don't like guys like that." I said, "Well, what kind of guys do you like, then?" She said, "I like my guys plain, just how I like my hamburgers!" WOW! I damn near ran the car off the side of the road from laughing so damn much! I was a little relieved to hear that she goes for the plain guys, though!

And then there's my BF's oldest daughter, who we'll call Rebel. I don't mean that in a bad way, either. She's coming of age now, and quite a smart young lady. She's very aware that her mom and step-dad's opinions don't necessarily match those of the rest of the world. She's been raised (or should I say held captive) primarily by them her entire life. They are isolationists; us against the world kind of folks. Back woods, racist, you don't need friends kind of people. Rebel is starting to question her upbringing, without any one's urging. We listen and help her ask questions and offer various scenarios and possibilities. We urge her to keep an open mind, an open heart and to ask a lot of questions. We urge her to do what feels right in her heart; to listen to her conscience. To see the world through her own eyes. She is very aware that everyone has different opinions and values. But she is also very worried that she's going to make a bad decision. She wants so badly for us to be able to tell her what is right and what is wrong. That's all she's ever known - the value system of other's being force fed to her. She's been told to accept and not question their beliefs. She has asked me things as simple as how to go about finding and getting a job, to the big things like how do you know when you've made the right choice. I've been blown away by her. Rebel is coming along just fine now and I'm so happy to be a part of her discovery of life!

Baby momma drama

I don't usually go on a venting/ranting spree about this subject, but I think I may just need to today. This is my personal refuge, my private place to let it all out.

My bf has been married twice, and has 1 kid from one lady (I use that term lightly; let's call her Cruella) and 2 kids from another lady (again, let's call this one Psycho).

He and Cruella had a kid while dating in high school. Long story short, Cruella hates my bf and they've had a difficult time getting along ever since. His visitation rights have been completely ignored and once he married Psycho, it went all down hill from there. Cruella hated Psycho, too (not that I blame her) and didn't want her kid to be around Psycho, so he went a few years without much contact.

Fast forward now. He and Psycho split (more on that later) and now, finally, Cruella will allow him to see his child. Well, sort of. She's put all sorts of conditions on it. And it's a very fine line he has to walk, but at least he's getting to see his child! I have talked to Cruella and I think we'll get along pretty good. She told me that she was just scared that I would be like Psycho and was very relieved to see that I am normal! Ha ha!

Now, back to Psycho. I gave her that nickname for a reason. This bitch is crazy, ya'll! And YES, I do mean as in the 'she needs to be on some meds' type of crazy. We never know if or when she'll take her meds, if she will have a job, or a place to stay, or show up to see the kids. She's the epitome of WT (that is White Trash for those who don't know). On top of her craziness, she is selfish, lazy, mean, and, well, just plain stupid. As a matter of fact, if you use a 'big word' around her, she gets mad and says you're trying to make her feel dumb. I'm thinking, "No bitch, you feel that way because you ARE dumb."

See, they were married for almost 10 years. And it was a very rocky marriage. He couldn't depend on her for anything. He would have to call her 10 times a day for various things: to make sure she wasn't sleeping and allowing their baby to run the house unattended; to make sure she hadn't caught the house on fire again; to make sure she had gone to pick their kids up from school; to make sure she went to work on time (if she had a job at that point). It was like she was a kid, too. Well, one day she just flipped. She took the kids and left. She took them to a homeless shelter about 3 hours away from here. Once he was finally able to get in touch with her, he convinced her to let him take the kids home; that they had no place in a shelter. So he's had custody of them ever since. Once the truth finally came out, she admitted that she had been having an emotional affair for weeks with a prisoner and was leaving him for the prisoner. Mind you, she told him this ex-con would be a better husband and father. I know you're wondering, what was he in prison for? Rape of a 13 year old girl; performing a satanic ritual on her; and more. But he's changed, she said. Yeah, right. You go ahead and test that theory alone and leave the kids out of it! She eventually realized the error in her ways, but the damage was done. He was done with her and there was no amount of convincing she could do to change his mind. She is allowed standard visitation with the kids, although my bf is very generous and willing to work around whatever her latest job schedule is.

Of course, that hasn't set well with her. She has made our life a living hell. From threatening to harm me; take the kids again; etc. She has tried every trick in the book to get him back; to get him to leave me. It hasn't worked and she is getting a little better at accepting the fact that he's done with her. But she still takes every opportunity she finds to cause trouble.

She is a user in the true sense of the word. She's a swindler. She rarely has a job longer than a few weeks before she quits or is fired. But it's never her fault. She thinks nothing of using men (and of course, sex) to get things. She sacrifices her dignity on almost a weekly basis to be taken to dinner, get a new pair of sandals, or get her nails done. She's even used men to take her and the kids to eat and a movie! She has no standards; she has no morals. She has taken the kids to the local homeless shelter to get toys for free so she wouldn't have to buy them. Her kid told me it was called 'the free store'. Now that's a shame.

Every time she is without a place to live, my bf's family helps her out by offering her a room. She has no friends or family left; she burns bridges everywhere she goes. But they still feel sorry for her, or that they owe her this much. Personally, I think it's a crutch and they are being victimized by her. She takes advantage of their generosity. They have given her money, food, gas, paid bills, and allow her to visit the kids in their home so she can stay involved in their lives. But for what? All this does is further enable her. It does nothing to make her want to change. Hell, if I could live for free, eat for free, and have people help me with my kids, I'd love that, too! I'd never leave!

Their youngest is way behind developmentally. She has not learned to go potty, so I've started the potty training. Their daughter also carried a blankie everywhere and I finally figured out a way to say good-bye blankie and we no longer have that issue. She isn't talking as much, or as well as she should be, so I work on that a lot, too. Attitude is an issue at this age with all kids, so we have behavioral issues to deal with, too. I feel like just when I'm starting to make some progress, Psycho comes along and causes us to stumble. She doesn't support any of this, and has even told her daughter she 'didn't have to go potty if she didn't want to.' Uh, I don't think so. You don't buy the diapers, I do! And everyone has to go potty. That's life! Deal, bitch.

Their son is an emotional wreck. He's been tormented by her for years; never knowing if he's going to have medicated, happy mommy; or un-medicated, mean mommy. He's been made into a pawn for her own personal agenda. He's been made to feel bad about himself, insecure, inadequate, and sometimes un-loved. He's a major introvert now, afraid of change and making new friends. He doesn't know how to do many things he should at his age, like ride a bike or tie his shoes. He's horrible in social situations. He has no clue how to just be a kid. We're finally starting to see him relax, open up more and smile. He's been laughing more and a lot happier. I'm trying to help him be more comfortable around new people and open to new experiences. I have tried to show him how change can be a good thing, and that it's going to be a factor in our lives forever.

Now, Psycho doesn't like this. She doesn't like that her kids not only like me, but they love me. After I first met the kids, my bf told me his son said he liked me because I'm normal. Wow! That's a big thing. They are happy at my house, with me and my daughter. They are thriving and doing good. As a mother, I can see how I might be jealous and somewhat mad, but I'd also be relieved and grateful.

I cannot relate to her. I hope I never do fully understand why she doesn't want to be a better mom. Why she's too selfish to realize that she causes them more harm than good. I don't know why she doesn't take some time to figure out what she wants in life. It seems like she's got some guilt about the kids, and that's when she starts asking to see them again. But I think she's overwhelmed and would really, truly be relieved if she didn't have to be responsible for kids ever again. I think it's too much for her. Motherhood isn't for everyone. And she's one of those who isn't good at it. Some people are natural born mommy's; nurturing and loving and caring. I would do anything for my kids. I think she would use her kids to do anything for her.

I had a long talk with my bf last night. He has tried for months to keep her involved and active in their lives. He's tried to show her the error of her ways. He's tried to make her want to be a better mommy; to go to counseling and take her meds. But I've contended all along that until she wants to do any of that, you're wasting your time and hers. Last night he said that he's finally coming to terms with that. That he's lowered his expectations of her and it's helped him be a lot calmer and less frustrated and angry.

I wondered when and if we'd ever get to this point, and I'm so happy! He now considers my opinion, and instead of just giving in to her ridiculous demands, he does the right thing for the kids. Now, the kids are happier with a more stable routine; I'm happier because I don't feel so un-involved and un-important; and he's happier because we're happier. Screw her. I don't give two shits if she's happy or not. It's not about her. It's about the kids. If she wants to start living her life right and doing what is right for the kids, then maybe I'll listen. Until then, back off bitch! I'm not going to allow you to mess with our happy.