WTF...

Why are all men alike? I don't mean to just lump all men into one big category, but from what I can tell, when it comes to a couple of things, men ARE just alike.

For instance, my ex used to have a habit of shopping for 'things' all the time. I'm not talking about a movie here or a CD there, I'm talking about bigger, more expensive 'things' like computers, or cameras and such. The kicker, though, is that he would HIDE those purchases from me! So, why am I pissed? Because I've always considered major purchases to be a joint decision. What's a major purchase, something over $150 in my book. And typically one partner knows more about the financial well-being of our accounts and bill situation than the other. Unfortunately, it never was him, so we'd often end up in a bind. So then he turned to using credit cards because that wouldn't impact us immediately, he'd say. Oh, but it does! It's a nasty little web, and he'd always get caught! The bad part is that it didn't just affect him, it affected US, and our life style.

I didn't purchase anything that expensive without consulting him first. I knew that if we were living together, paying bills together, and supposedly planning for a future together, it should be OUR decision. And it also feels better to purchase something that you both have agreed on.

Now, that said, this issue reared it's ugly head yesterday. I'm still pissed. I found out that my current BF did the same thing. He bought something (which I knew about and we'd agreed on it) and left all of the wrappings, instructions and trash all over the floor. I, of course, ended up picking it all up. As I did, I found the receipts. Yep, plural, as in more than one receipt. He decided to buy an additional gadget for his new toy, to the tune of $269! OKAY, now the toy itself ended up costing about $200 more than he'd originally told me, but then to find out that he spent an additional $269, that just topped it for me.

I'm so pissed! Why not tell me about it? Why not explain it to me? Don't have me just stumble across it when I'm having to pick up after you like a child (and yes, I left all the crap there for him to pick up for a few days and it didn't happen, so that's why I did it).

You want to hear the irony in all of this? My ex happened to have come over to drop something off when I made the discovery. I flipped, I was yelling, saying, "He's just like you! Why do all men do this?" He just smiled his typical Cheshire cat grin and said, "I told you, we all do it."

Damn. That was one thing I had really hoped I wouldn't have to deal with in the future. I guess I was wrong.

Damn.

Disappointed...

I did something pretty spontaneous this past week. On pretty much a whim, and partially to appease my friend's constant begging, I went to visit my old "friends" where I used to live. I was SO excited, as I've missed not only my friends, but the area we all lived. I couldn't wait to get there and only hoped I would have enough time to do all that I wanted and to see all of my old friends. I just knew we'd have non-stop fun, right? Well, I've learned a lot of lessons over the past few days, such as:

1. People change, and so have I. Some have been good changes, others really aren't so good. In fact, I was shocked at how different some people are now.

2. You can learn a lot about your friends when you're living with them for several days versus just hanging out for the evening. Everyone's fun and happy when it's just a few hours, but after a few days, you start to see who they really are, and you start to worry about them.

3. People who you've always fondly referred to as your "close friend(s)" may not be as close as you'd hope. They stand you up or avoid your calls, and the disappointment I am feeling hurts. I made the effort to buy a plane ticket, make arrangements for my child's care in my absence, take time off from work, and then flew across the country, couldn't you just reciprocate by hanging out or stopping by? YOU wanted me to come, for what???

4. My life doesn't seem so bad after all. I realize I have the BEST kid in the world, a very good outlook on life and I even feel pretty damn good about myself and what I've done with my life thus far.

5. My problems with my beau seem trivial. Yes, they're still annoying and troublesome, but he's very loving, trying to be romantic, and wants to make a better life for him and for us. I think I need to give our relationship some more time to grow and evolve.

6. Last but not least, a few people will never change. And that's a damn shame. Grow up already and get a life. Stop spying on me and talking about mine. Gosh, I never would've thought that even after moving away, I would still be such a HUGE topic of conversation?

Sometimes it just takes an experience, such as this one, to really open your eyes. That whole 'grass is greener' thing is so true! When I was looking back over my life back then, things seemed to be better, friends more real and true. In actuality, we tend to forget some of the reasons why we didn't miss it or mind leaving in the first place.

It was great to fly back home yesterday. It was even better when my bf wrapped me up in a huge embrace, told me how much he'd missed me and loves me, and how glad he was that I was home. That's right, for now I'm content to call this place, and this time in my life, home.

I wonder...

Why life has to be so hard. I mean, why does life just seem to fall into place for some, and then not for others. I'm one of the others, in case you're wondering.

I mentioned that life isn't any where close to the way I pictured it would be by now. I am still dealing with the issues that caused my marriage to fall apart, trying to figure out what I want out of life, and now I'm in a relationship that's, let's say, less than perfect.

About 6 months ago, an old friend came back into my life. He and I had SO much in common, and still do. The last time I saw him, his marriage was ending. Now, he's married (happily) and mine has ended. We joked that our timing is off. We're still great friends, but honestly, I cannot see that anything more can come from that. One thing that I never want to be accused of is breaking up a happy home.

So a couple of weeks ago, another friend from my past made contact with me. She and I met when my ex was stationed near her and just kind of lost contact. It was so wonderful to have her back in my life. We got to talking about old times and old friends, and one of our old friends came up and I asked about him. He had been in a relationship and I thought he was moving shortly after I had moved. I was wrong. He still lived there and she told him about getting in touch with me. He did. And it felt so great to talk to him on the phone. Our friendship didn't skip a beat and we picked right up where we left off.

However, the dynamic is certainly different now. Before, I was married, so there was never any question about what could've been between us. It was strictly a close friendship. Now there's this weird bit of unspoken tension there. I used to tell him everything. And we have SO much in common it's crazy. But now it's different. He does have a gf and I have a bf, though, so it's not like either one of us is talking in that manner.

Well, both of my friends have basically ordered me to visit them. So, I've been convinced and plan to go visit next week, sans child. I figure I need to just get away by myself. Well, my bf knows about it and about him, he seems 'okay' with it all, but I think he's worried considering how mad I've been with him lately. My friend's gf is totally pissed about him spending any time with me. She's known about me, but now that I'm actually coming, not to mention that I'm no longer married, she's jealous and worried. So this will probably be interesting.

I will certainly blog again about this, as it's been heavy on my mind and my heart lately.

Pissed off...

Okay, so I haven't blogged in a while, I know. I started this whole thing to relieve some stress, and it was (ironically) my stress that kept me from blogging. Any who. My BF is in the Guard, and for the past year, has been jerked around about when drill is, when the 2 weeks would be, when he'd get his bonus and so on. It's been a complete nightmare for not only him, but for me since we live together. It would be different if we were just 'dating' and I didn't depend on him for money or shared responsibilities around the house. But I do. So it sucks. And this month has been the absolute worst so far. I am so angry right now. Yes, I know 'that's the military for ya' but it's not right. When he's committed several years to them, they at least owe him what is due. He was supposed to have his bonus 2 weeks ago, and guess what? Still doesn't have it. He did his 2 weeks of required annual training, and guess what? Now they're arguing over WHO should have to pay him! The unit or the detachment? Who cares - pay him and then argue over who to write it off to. This is absolutely putting us into a bind financially because this means he's not getting a paycheck from his regular job since he wasn't working for 2 weeks. Great, huh? We counted on them, just as they have to count on him. Only the issue of reliability seems to be one-sided. Any you know what else? He (BF) doesn't want to 'rock the boat' by complaining. Well, hmmm, how else will this get resolved? It makes me mad that he's not willing to go and fight for what should have been his already. Why isn't his responsibility to me, to our household and family, important enough? I know that I'm just angry, but money is the biggest cause of problems in relationships. He just doesn't seem to get it, though. And all I end up with is a bad headache, stomach ache and a bad attitude because I'm so stressed and pissed off. He gets mad at me for being mad, for thinking he shouldn't take their dumb ass explanations as the final call, that I think he needs to go raise hell until this is fixed. He thinks that what he's told is the way it is. Yeah, right. I've seen it too many times where someone higher up can make things happen. Of course he can't. But he needs to go to someone who can. That's just the way it works.

I hate worrying about money and whether or not I can pay my bills. I hate having to rely on him, much less any man, for this. I wish life were simpler and I wouldn't have to do this. Maybe someday, I won't. But at least if I do have to rely on someone, I wish he were more reliable, or willing to at least fight for what's his.

Blog Virgin!

Okay, so I'm a virgin blogger and this whole concept is new to me. I was thinking that it might be kind of therapeutic to have a blog, kind of like an online diary. I'm hoping it will be, anyway. So I'm not really sure where to begin or what to write about.

I've had a lot of things swimming around in my head lately and that's what actually prompted me to start. I had starting writing in an online document and thought there must be a better way to do this. And I remembered another blog recently and I've been curious enough to keep checking her blog every couple of days or so, so I figured why not? I found so much in common with her - I figured this must be why people blog. To not feel so entirely alone, even if you don't even know that person at all. It just makes this big ol' world seem a little bit smaller and more personable.

Okay, so a little more about me. My current life is... different than I ever pictured it would be. I had the 'perfect' marriage, or at least it seemed to everyone else. What happened? Well, I just felt like we lost the passion and love and we were more like roomies than lovers. Terrible, huh? Well, we're still great friends and actually get along quite well, so that sure does make things easier. But after 10 years of marriage I never dreamed I'd be starting over, but that's exactly where I found myself about a year ago. We parted ways, and both started moving on. He found a gf and I have a bf. My bf, well, let's say that's probably what I'll do my next blog on...