That’s what I am right now.
I don’t understand how some women can actually get pregnant, carry their baby for 9 months, give birth and still have NO FUCKING CLUE what it means to be a mom.
I’m at my wits end with his dumb, bitch ass, ex. She has not only caused the kids to hurt and feel confused, she has caused trouble for us.
But what matters the most is the kids. She uses them as a pawn in her twisted, self centered world.
Today, she decided to pick the kids up from daycare before they had lunch. THEN she decides to call and ask my BF for money in order to feed them. Umm… hello? Dumb bitch? That’s what we pay daycare for! DO NOT take them if you are unable to care for them in every sense of the word.
Please understand that she has not contributed financially to their care. She hasn’t bought any food, clothing, diapers, shoes, hair cuts, medicine, etc. for them. She doesn’t contribute to day care. She doesn’t even have a place of her own because she cannot hold down a job for more than a few months, if we’re lucky.
Her whole life has been a never ending cycle of using other people. She uses people in every way imaginable: to give her money, to give her a roof over her head, pay for the car she drives, her car insurance, clothing, food, cigarettes, and her kids. She has often had a ‘sugar daddy’ to pay for things. So what does she have them do for her? She will get them to pay to have her nails done, buy her dinners out, clothes and shoes. NOT to buy diapers or things for the kids, or pay her bills, or gas. NO… that would be the sensible thing to do.
But that’s just it. She’s a user. She uses people up and then throws them away, or they throw her out. She’s done this her whole life. That’s why she doesn’t have family, or friends. That’s why she can’t keep a job. It’s never her fault. It’s always someone else’s.
She is a worthless piece of shit. She is self centered and only does what she wants. She never thinks about the future, especially about how things will affect the kids.
I dream for a day of change. A day where she realizes that she needs to grow up and stop expecting everyone else to support her lazy ass. She is wearing out her welcome everywhere she goes. I dream of a day when my BF realizes he is the only one trying to do the right thing. I wish he would stop trying to save her relationship with the kids, and protect her image in the kids’ eyes. They’re going to realize who she really is sooner or later. And if she doesn’t care enough to make the change and do better by them, why should he?
I dream of the day we can move away from here and not have to continually rearrange our lives around her. When we don’t have to wonder when or if she’ll see the kids, whether she even has a job, or who she’s bringing around the kids.
I dream of the day when I don’t have to see the disappointment on his son’s face about his mom. When she doesn’t make him feel second rate, un-loved, or un-important.
If only I could just say it plain and simple to her:
You have 2 choices in life:
Continue as you are. Become an example of what your kids never want to be. Worthless, unreliable, not worthy of respect, lazy, ignorant, and a user. Some day the kids will see you for your true colors if you continue down this path of self destruction. You’ll probably end up in a bad relationship, prostituting, or riding the roads with truckers. Either way, the kids will lose all respect for you since you don’t seem to respect yourself. They will learn not to trust you. They will worry about you, but will learn that every time they try to help it does no good. They will see you for the truly selfish person you are. You will lose their respect, and any chance at a relationship with them that you may have had at some point.
Take some time to make some major life changes. Stop relying on others for your happiness and financial support and learn to stand on your own two feet. Realize you need to love yourself, and respect yourself before anyone else will. Find a good job and keep it. Support yourself. Realize the most important thing we have are our kids. Try to be a good example of how they should live their lives. Contribute to their well-being, emotionally and financially. Show a genuine interest in their lives, learning and development. Help them become mature, smart, and well-adapted young people. By doing these things, you can form a relationship with them based on trust, respect, honesty, reliability and responsibility. Be the kind of person you want your kids to be. Be the kind of mom you always wanted to have.
Life isn’t always fair. And doing what is right isn’t always easy. Do the right thing. Ask, learn, grow. Find yourself, not destroy yourself.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
Been a while...
Okay, so 'a while' is quite the exaggeration. It's been too damn long. Time for another blog. Time for me to get back to blogging more. It was so damn great to do that before, so it's time for me to start up again.
Man, there's been lots of changes. First, I've been in a relationship for 10 months now with an amazing man! He's a wonderful father, great with my daughter, makes me laugh and smile, and he's sexy as hell! He's kind of arrogant and feisty, but also very caring and compassionate when I need him to be. He's definitely a ladies man, and knows how to treat a woman. He's the best I've ever had in bed, and makes me feel more comfortable than ever. He's stubborn and has a bit of a mean streak. His words can really cut. He's smart and cunning and witty and humorous. He's very masculine, but also has a softer side that he tries to hide. He loves and respects his momma. He's insecure about some parts of himself, but doesn't want anyone to know it. As we've grown to know one another, I've seen him confront his feelings, both good and bad. I've seen him cry and he's certainly seen me cry. We've had our ups and downs, like any other relationship. But this one is just different. I knew it the first time I laid eyes on him. He took my breath away! I didn't know what I was feeling, as I'd never felt that way before. It was honestly the most amazing and scary feeling at the same time. So intense, so exciting, so wonderfully different. For the first time in my life, I felt true, unconditional love.
A love like this is a once in a lifetime kind of love. A love that stands the tests of time. A love that is a forever kind of love. But with this kind of love, of course, came a multitude of challenges.
I've learned a lot not only from him, but from our relationship in general. For one thing, what is right is not always easy; what is easy is not always right. And we've both tried really hard to separate the two. We've had plenty of hard times and have always tried to do what is right. We have struggled with baby momma drama, blending our families, dealing with parents, dealing with money, dealing with bigger issues such as prejudice and cheating, and learning how to love each other. Communication is the key, and we have both worked hard on this. I must admit, he really does a bang up job at communicating. And he's helped me realize when I am not being 100% honest. There's a say, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." Well, let's just say that we've both tried out this theory, and it's true.
Relationships are not all butterflies and rainbows. Sure, a healthy relationship should hopefully have more good than bad. But it's learning how to deal with the bad that seems to be key. If you can talk openly and honestly with each other, then it's easier to get to the root of the problem. Finding a solution together, instead of a 'my way or the highway approach' is crucial. We're learning that we're a team, and much better off if we work together rather than alone.
We want to build a life together, a good one. Good to me means having a happy home, where the kids feel and see love, honesty, respect and kindness. However, happiness is something that each person tends to define very differently. I don't feel the need to be rich. I want to be comfortable. I want to have enough money to pay the bills, save for emergencies, pay for college and weddings, and our future. I want to take family vacations. I want to travel and live in a nice home where the kids' needs are met. I am confident that Matt wants these same things, just on a larger scale. I think he aspires to be rich. To be extravagant and luxurious. And that's okay, so long as he doesn't have unrealistic ideas of how to reach his goals. The good thing is that we both tend to keep each other grounded. We both support each other's goals and dreams. And that is so wonderful! He believes in me, and I believe in him!
Don't get me wrong. He's not perfect and neither am I. There's lots of things that annoy the shit out of me about him. For one, his dipping. It is not only unhealthy, but it's expensive and nasty. I'm so tired of finding his spit bottles and fallen dip all over the counters and carpet. It's everywhere! He doesn't even seem to notice it. And I hate that I can't get a kiss spur of the moment. One of the things I love about him is the way he kisses me, so I don't care for the tight lipped peck. He's also very good at pretending to be oblivious. He somehow doesn't notice when dishes need to be done, or laundry is piling up, or the floor needs to be swept. He tells me that I need to tell him when I want help. But then, I feel like a nag, and he hates when I ask him to do things. He is also perfectly content to 'ignore' the cries of the kids, or bath time, or meal time. He knows that I will do it, so he lets me take care of it all. I get out of bed in the middle of the night to calm a crying child, or wake up on weekends to change diapers and make breakfast. I do wish he were more aware and helpful. Having to constantly ask for help is frustrating and annoying. I may as well just do it myself. He doesn't want to volunteer to take over a particular chore. I think it's because he knows he less likely to be held responsible that way. You know, the whole, "but you didn't tell me the dishes needed to be done" thing.
And, on a more personal note, I have some issues. I wish he were more flirtatious and complimentary. He rarely tells me that I look sexy, or beautiful. I flirt with him all the time with nothing in return. And, 9 times out of 10, I'm the one to initiate sex. And I only get it about half of the time that I would like it. I want him all the time. It's like our roles have been reversed. I hear all kinds of excuses: he's too tired; he wants to take a bath and relax; he has a headache; his stomach hurts; he's just too mentally drained and doesn't feel like it; he's too drunk. Talk about a blow to your ego! But when we do get to have sex, it's great! The most and best orgasms of my life! I just wish we had it more often. I joke with my girl friends and they think I'm every man's dream. They say they're the ones coming up with excuses to their husbands, not the other way around. So it's a bit disappointing to hear.
He used to do sweet things for me, too. Like surprise me with lunch, or a book I wanted, or bring me flowers. He used to write me long love letters via email. Or send me daily texts saying he loves me. I know that he can be a romantic, if he puts his mind to it. He's a thoughtful and caring guy when he wants to be. I just wish he would be in the mood more often. Even his mom tells him he needs to be nicer to me and show me more affection.
Speaking of his mom, she is awesome! I absolutely love her! We get along so great- better than I get along with my own mom. She is wonderful to me and my daughter, and goes out of her way to show us how much she loves us. She wants us to be happy and has even taken my side many times and defended me to her son. Who does that? He often jokes that his family loves me now more than they love him. And you know what? I think so! Good thing is that the feeling is mutual - I love them all! I am so blessed to not only have found my soul mate, but to also gain a loving and caring and supportive family to boot!
We moved in together recently and it's almost been 3 weeks. Sure, there have been some issues and quirks to work out, but I think it's gone reasonably well. The kids have adjusted just fine and love it. They help around the house as asked and get along so great. His youngest has made great progress in potty training since they moved in, and she even gave up her prized possession, blankie! I joke around that his son is resistant to change, but honestly, he learned it from his dad. He's the most stubborn, mule-headed guy. Very resistant to change! He's the biggest excuse maker in the book! But he's really given this his all and I have been very happy with his efforts thus far.
It's had a lot of pluses, I think. For one, we're all so much closer now. It's easier to work on things, like potty training, when I'm with the kids more often. They seem much happier and content. Having their own rooms, their own stuff, but in our house has made it home. We do more as a family now. Going to bed with him and waking up with him is the best thing. (Unless he's being a crabby butt in the morning). That is not a side of him that you want to see that early in the day! But having meals together, going places together, doing chores together, just being together, is so wonderful! I never imagined having such a big family, and it's been the best thing to happen to me in a long, long time!
No, we're not the Brady bunch. We're better! We're one big happy family, and I am very happy with the direction my life has taken! I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful man by my side; such a wonderful family to love.
Man, there's been lots of changes. First, I've been in a relationship for 10 months now with an amazing man! He's a wonderful father, great with my daughter, makes me laugh and smile, and he's sexy as hell! He's kind of arrogant and feisty, but also very caring and compassionate when I need him to be. He's definitely a ladies man, and knows how to treat a woman. He's the best I've ever had in bed, and makes me feel more comfortable than ever. He's stubborn and has a bit of a mean streak. His words can really cut. He's smart and cunning and witty and humorous. He's very masculine, but also has a softer side that he tries to hide. He loves and respects his momma. He's insecure about some parts of himself, but doesn't want anyone to know it. As we've grown to know one another, I've seen him confront his feelings, both good and bad. I've seen him cry and he's certainly seen me cry. We've had our ups and downs, like any other relationship. But this one is just different. I knew it the first time I laid eyes on him. He took my breath away! I didn't know what I was feeling, as I'd never felt that way before. It was honestly the most amazing and scary feeling at the same time. So intense, so exciting, so wonderfully different. For the first time in my life, I felt true, unconditional love.
A love like this is a once in a lifetime kind of love. A love that stands the tests of time. A love that is a forever kind of love. But with this kind of love, of course, came a multitude of challenges.
I've learned a lot not only from him, but from our relationship in general. For one thing, what is right is not always easy; what is easy is not always right. And we've both tried really hard to separate the two. We've had plenty of hard times and have always tried to do what is right. We have struggled with baby momma drama, blending our families, dealing with parents, dealing with money, dealing with bigger issues such as prejudice and cheating, and learning how to love each other. Communication is the key, and we have both worked hard on this. I must admit, he really does a bang up job at communicating. And he's helped me realize when I am not being 100% honest. There's a say, "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." Well, let's just say that we've both tried out this theory, and it's true.
Relationships are not all butterflies and rainbows. Sure, a healthy relationship should hopefully have more good than bad. But it's learning how to deal with the bad that seems to be key. If you can talk openly and honestly with each other, then it's easier to get to the root of the problem. Finding a solution together, instead of a 'my way or the highway approach' is crucial. We're learning that we're a team, and much better off if we work together rather than alone.
We want to build a life together, a good one. Good to me means having a happy home, where the kids feel and see love, honesty, respect and kindness. However, happiness is something that each person tends to define very differently. I don't feel the need to be rich. I want to be comfortable. I want to have enough money to pay the bills, save for emergencies, pay for college and weddings, and our future. I want to take family vacations. I want to travel and live in a nice home where the kids' needs are met. I am confident that Matt wants these same things, just on a larger scale. I think he aspires to be rich. To be extravagant and luxurious. And that's okay, so long as he doesn't have unrealistic ideas of how to reach his goals. The good thing is that we both tend to keep each other grounded. We both support each other's goals and dreams. And that is so wonderful! He believes in me, and I believe in him!
Don't get me wrong. He's not perfect and neither am I. There's lots of things that annoy the shit out of me about him. For one, his dipping. It is not only unhealthy, but it's expensive and nasty. I'm so tired of finding his spit bottles and fallen dip all over the counters and carpet. It's everywhere! He doesn't even seem to notice it. And I hate that I can't get a kiss spur of the moment. One of the things I love about him is the way he kisses me, so I don't care for the tight lipped peck. He's also very good at pretending to be oblivious. He somehow doesn't notice when dishes need to be done, or laundry is piling up, or the floor needs to be swept. He tells me that I need to tell him when I want help. But then, I feel like a nag, and he hates when I ask him to do things. He is also perfectly content to 'ignore' the cries of the kids, or bath time, or meal time. He knows that I will do it, so he lets me take care of it all. I get out of bed in the middle of the night to calm a crying child, or wake up on weekends to change diapers and make breakfast. I do wish he were more aware and helpful. Having to constantly ask for help is frustrating and annoying. I may as well just do it myself. He doesn't want to volunteer to take over a particular chore. I think it's because he knows he less likely to be held responsible that way. You know, the whole, "but you didn't tell me the dishes needed to be done" thing.
And, on a more personal note, I have some issues. I wish he were more flirtatious and complimentary. He rarely tells me that I look sexy, or beautiful. I flirt with him all the time with nothing in return. And, 9 times out of 10, I'm the one to initiate sex. And I only get it about half of the time that I would like it. I want him all the time. It's like our roles have been reversed. I hear all kinds of excuses: he's too tired; he wants to take a bath and relax; he has a headache; his stomach hurts; he's just too mentally drained and doesn't feel like it; he's too drunk. Talk about a blow to your ego! But when we do get to have sex, it's great! The most and best orgasms of my life! I just wish we had it more often. I joke with my girl friends and they think I'm every man's dream. They say they're the ones coming up with excuses to their husbands, not the other way around. So it's a bit disappointing to hear.
He used to do sweet things for me, too. Like surprise me with lunch, or a book I wanted, or bring me flowers. He used to write me long love letters via email. Or send me daily texts saying he loves me. I know that he can be a romantic, if he puts his mind to it. He's a thoughtful and caring guy when he wants to be. I just wish he would be in the mood more often. Even his mom tells him he needs to be nicer to me and show me more affection.
Speaking of his mom, she is awesome! I absolutely love her! We get along so great- better than I get along with my own mom. She is wonderful to me and my daughter, and goes out of her way to show us how much she loves us. She wants us to be happy and has even taken my side many times and defended me to her son. Who does that? He often jokes that his family loves me now more than they love him. And you know what? I think so! Good thing is that the feeling is mutual - I love them all! I am so blessed to not only have found my soul mate, but to also gain a loving and caring and supportive family to boot!
We moved in together recently and it's almost been 3 weeks. Sure, there have been some issues and quirks to work out, but I think it's gone reasonably well. The kids have adjusted just fine and love it. They help around the house as asked and get along so great. His youngest has made great progress in potty training since they moved in, and she even gave up her prized possession, blankie! I joke around that his son is resistant to change, but honestly, he learned it from his dad. He's the most stubborn, mule-headed guy. Very resistant to change! He's the biggest excuse maker in the book! But he's really given this his all and I have been very happy with his efforts thus far.
It's had a lot of pluses, I think. For one, we're all so much closer now. It's easier to work on things, like potty training, when I'm with the kids more often. They seem much happier and content. Having their own rooms, their own stuff, but in our house has made it home. We do more as a family now. Going to bed with him and waking up with him is the best thing. (Unless he's being a crabby butt in the morning). That is not a side of him that you want to see that early in the day! But having meals together, going places together, doing chores together, just being together, is so wonderful! I never imagined having such a big family, and it's been the best thing to happen to me in a long, long time!
No, we're not the Brady bunch. We're better! We're one big happy family, and I am very happy with the direction my life has taken! I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful man by my side; such a wonderful family to love.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Relief
That's what I feel right now, relief. About 2 weeks ago, it finally occurred to me that I was in a dead end relationship. I couldn't picture myself marrying him, so I decided to cut my losses and end the relationship. I'm one of those strange people, though. Once I have made up my mind that it's over, then it's over. Just like that. And I'm ready to move on with my life. I won't sit around sulking about it, crying over my lost love. Why do that? Time to move on is what I say.
So I did. Was it easy? Nope. But it has been so worth it. I already feel so much better, like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I feel better about myself, and not like I'm being held back. He was a terrific guy, just not on the same track in life as I am.
The easy thing would've been to stay with him, and try and wait it out, once more, to see if we could move on. Easy isn't always right, though. Now, I'm happy, carefree, less stressed and enjoying a new zest for life. I'm really glad that I made this change, I'm relieved.
So I did. Was it easy? Nope. But it has been so worth it. I already feel so much better, like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I feel better about myself, and not like I'm being held back. He was a terrific guy, just not on the same track in life as I am.
The easy thing would've been to stay with him, and try and wait it out, once more, to see if we could move on. Easy isn't always right, though. Now, I'm happy, carefree, less stressed and enjoying a new zest for life. I'm really glad that I made this change, I'm relieved.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
WTF...
Why are all men alike? I don't mean to just lump all men into one big category, but from what I can tell, when it comes to a couple of things, men ARE just alike.
For instance, my ex used to have a habit of shopping for 'things' all the time. I'm not talking about a movie here or a CD there, I'm talking about bigger, more expensive 'things' like computers, or cameras and such. The kicker, though, is that he would HIDE those purchases from me! So, why am I pissed? Because I've always considered major purchases to be a joint decision. What's a major purchase, something over $150 in my book. And typically one partner knows more about the financial well-being of our accounts and bill situation than the other. Unfortunately, it never was him, so we'd often end up in a bind. So then he turned to using credit cards because that wouldn't impact us immediately, he'd say. Oh, but it does! It's a nasty little web, and he'd always get caught! The bad part is that it didn't just affect him, it affected US, and our life style.
I didn't purchase anything that expensive without consulting him first. I knew that if we were living together, paying bills together, and supposedly planning for a future together, it should be OUR decision. And it also feels better to purchase something that you both have agreed on.
Now, that said, this issue reared it's ugly head yesterday. I'm still pissed. I found out that my current BF did the same thing. He bought something (which I knew about and we'd agreed on it) and left all of the wrappings, instructions and trash all over the floor. I, of course, ended up picking it all up. As I did, I found the receipts. Yep, plural, as in more than one receipt. He decided to buy an additional gadget for his new toy, to the tune of $269! OKAY, now the toy itself ended up costing about $200 more than he'd originally told me, but then to find out that he spent an additional $269, that just topped it for me.
I'm so pissed! Why not tell me about it? Why not explain it to me? Don't have me just stumble across it when I'm having to pick up after you like a child (and yes, I left all the crap there for him to pick up for a few days and it didn't happen, so that's why I did it).
You want to hear the irony in all of this? My ex happened to have come over to drop something off when I made the discovery. I flipped, I was yelling, saying, "He's just like you! Why do all men do this?" He just smiled his typical Cheshire cat grin and said, "I told you, we all do it."
Damn. That was one thing I had really hoped I wouldn't have to deal with in the future. I guess I was wrong.
Damn.
For instance, my ex used to have a habit of shopping for 'things' all the time. I'm not talking about a movie here or a CD there, I'm talking about bigger, more expensive 'things' like computers, or cameras and such. The kicker, though, is that he would HIDE those purchases from me! So, why am I pissed? Because I've always considered major purchases to be a joint decision. What's a major purchase, something over $150 in my book. And typically one partner knows more about the financial well-being of our accounts and bill situation than the other. Unfortunately, it never was him, so we'd often end up in a bind. So then he turned to using credit cards because that wouldn't impact us immediately, he'd say. Oh, but it does! It's a nasty little web, and he'd always get caught! The bad part is that it didn't just affect him, it affected US, and our life style.
I didn't purchase anything that expensive without consulting him first. I knew that if we were living together, paying bills together, and supposedly planning for a future together, it should be OUR decision. And it also feels better to purchase something that you both have agreed on.
Now, that said, this issue reared it's ugly head yesterday. I'm still pissed. I found out that my current BF did the same thing. He bought something (which I knew about and we'd agreed on it) and left all of the wrappings, instructions and trash all over the floor. I, of course, ended up picking it all up. As I did, I found the receipts. Yep, plural, as in more than one receipt. He decided to buy an additional gadget for his new toy, to the tune of $269! OKAY, now the toy itself ended up costing about $200 more than he'd originally told me, but then to find out that he spent an additional $269, that just topped it for me.
I'm so pissed! Why not tell me about it? Why not explain it to me? Don't have me just stumble across it when I'm having to pick up after you like a child (and yes, I left all the crap there for him to pick up for a few days and it didn't happen, so that's why I did it).
You want to hear the irony in all of this? My ex happened to have come over to drop something off when I made the discovery. I flipped, I was yelling, saying, "He's just like you! Why do all men do this?" He just smiled his typical Cheshire cat grin and said, "I told you, we all do it."
Damn. That was one thing I had really hoped I wouldn't have to deal with in the future. I guess I was wrong.
Damn.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Disappointed...
I did something pretty spontaneous this past week. On pretty much a whim, and partially to appease my friend's constant begging, I went to visit my old "friends" where I used to live. I was SO excited, as I've missed not only my friends, but the area we all lived. I couldn't wait to get there and only hoped I would have enough time to do all that I wanted and to see all of my old friends. I just knew we'd have non-stop fun, right? Well, I've learned a lot of lessons over the past few days, such as:
1. People change, and so have I. Some have been good changes, others really aren't so good. In fact, I was shocked at how different some people are now.
2. You can learn a lot about your friends when you're living with them for several days versus just hanging out for the evening. Everyone's fun and happy when it's just a few hours, but after a few days, you start to see who they really are, and you start to worry about them.
3. People who you've always fondly referred to as your "close friend(s)" may not be as close as you'd hope. They stand you up or avoid your calls, and the disappointment I am feeling hurts. I made the effort to buy a plane ticket, make arrangements for my child's care in my absence, take time off from work, and then flew across the country, couldn't you just reciprocate by hanging out or stopping by? YOU wanted me to come, for what???
4. My life doesn't seem so bad after all. I realize I have the BEST kid in the world, a very good outlook on life and I even feel pretty damn good about myself and what I've done with my life thus far.
5. My problems with my beau seem trivial. Yes, they're still annoying and troublesome, but he's very loving, trying to be romantic, and wants to make a better life for him and for us. I think I need to give our relationship some more time to grow and evolve.
6. Last but not least, a few people will never change. And that's a damn shame. Grow up already and get a life. Stop spying on me and talking about mine. Gosh, I never would've thought that even after moving away, I would still be such a HUGE topic of conversation?
Sometimes it just takes an experience, such as this one, to really open your eyes. That whole 'grass is greener' thing is so true! When I was looking back over my life back then, things seemed to be better, friends more real and true. In actuality, we tend to forget some of the reasons why we didn't miss it or mind leaving in the first place.
It was great to fly back home yesterday. It was even better when my bf wrapped me up in a huge embrace, told me how much he'd missed me and loves me, and how glad he was that I was home. That's right, for now I'm content to call this place, and this time in my life, home.
1. People change, and so have I. Some have been good changes, others really aren't so good. In fact, I was shocked at how different some people are now.
2. You can learn a lot about your friends when you're living with them for several days versus just hanging out for the evening. Everyone's fun and happy when it's just a few hours, but after a few days, you start to see who they really are, and you start to worry about them.
3. People who you've always fondly referred to as your "close friend(s)" may not be as close as you'd hope. They stand you up or avoid your calls, and the disappointment I am feeling hurts. I made the effort to buy a plane ticket, make arrangements for my child's care in my absence, take time off from work, and then flew across the country, couldn't you just reciprocate by hanging out or stopping by? YOU wanted me to come, for what???
4. My life doesn't seem so bad after all. I realize I have the BEST kid in the world, a very good outlook on life and I even feel pretty damn good about myself and what I've done with my life thus far.
5. My problems with my beau seem trivial. Yes, they're still annoying and troublesome, but he's very loving, trying to be romantic, and wants to make a better life for him and for us. I think I need to give our relationship some more time to grow and evolve.
6. Last but not least, a few people will never change. And that's a damn shame. Grow up already and get a life. Stop spying on me and talking about mine. Gosh, I never would've thought that even after moving away, I would still be such a HUGE topic of conversation?
Sometimes it just takes an experience, such as this one, to really open your eyes. That whole 'grass is greener' thing is so true! When I was looking back over my life back then, things seemed to be better, friends more real and true. In actuality, we tend to forget some of the reasons why we didn't miss it or mind leaving in the first place.
It was great to fly back home yesterday. It was even better when my bf wrapped me up in a huge embrace, told me how much he'd missed me and loves me, and how glad he was that I was home. That's right, for now I'm content to call this place, and this time in my life, home.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
I wonder...
Why life has to be so hard. I mean, why does life just seem to fall into place for some, and then not for others. I'm one of the others, in case you're wondering.
I mentioned that life isn't any where close to the way I pictured it would be by now. I am still dealing with the issues that caused my marriage to fall apart, trying to figure out what I want out of life, and now I'm in a relationship that's, let's say, less than perfect.
About 6 months ago, an old friend came back into my life. He and I had SO much in common, and still do. The last time I saw him, his marriage was ending. Now, he's married (happily) and mine has ended. We joked that our timing is off. We're still great friends, but honestly, I cannot see that anything more can come from that. One thing that I never want to be accused of is breaking up a happy home.
So a couple of weeks ago, another friend from my past made contact with me. She and I met when my ex was stationed near her and just kind of lost contact. It was so wonderful to have her back in my life. We got to talking about old times and old friends, and one of our old friends came up and I asked about him. He had been in a relationship and I thought he was moving shortly after I had moved. I was wrong. He still lived there and she told him about getting in touch with me. He did. And it felt so great to talk to him on the phone. Our friendship didn't skip a beat and we picked right up where we left off.
However, the dynamic is certainly different now. Before, I was married, so there was never any question about what could've been between us. It was strictly a close friendship. Now there's this weird bit of unspoken tension there. I used to tell him everything. And we have SO much in common it's crazy. But now it's different. He does have a gf and I have a bf, though, so it's not like either one of us is talking in that manner.
Well, both of my friends have basically ordered me to visit them. So, I've been convinced and plan to go visit next week, sans child. I figure I need to just get away by myself. Well, my bf knows about it and about him, he seems 'okay' with it all, but I think he's worried considering how mad I've been with him lately. My friend's gf is totally pissed about him spending any time with me. She's known about me, but now that I'm actually coming, not to mention that I'm no longer married, she's jealous and worried. So this will probably be interesting.
I will certainly blog again about this, as it's been heavy on my mind and my heart lately.
I mentioned that life isn't any where close to the way I pictured it would be by now. I am still dealing with the issues that caused my marriage to fall apart, trying to figure out what I want out of life, and now I'm in a relationship that's, let's say, less than perfect.
About 6 months ago, an old friend came back into my life. He and I had SO much in common, and still do. The last time I saw him, his marriage was ending. Now, he's married (happily) and mine has ended. We joked that our timing is off. We're still great friends, but honestly, I cannot see that anything more can come from that. One thing that I never want to be accused of is breaking up a happy home.
So a couple of weeks ago, another friend from my past made contact with me. She and I met when my ex was stationed near her and just kind of lost contact. It was so wonderful to have her back in my life. We got to talking about old times and old friends, and one of our old friends came up and I asked about him. He had been in a relationship and I thought he was moving shortly after I had moved. I was wrong. He still lived there and she told him about getting in touch with me. He did. And it felt so great to talk to him on the phone. Our friendship didn't skip a beat and we picked right up where we left off.
However, the dynamic is certainly different now. Before, I was married, so there was never any question about what could've been between us. It was strictly a close friendship. Now there's this weird bit of unspoken tension there. I used to tell him everything. And we have SO much in common it's crazy. But now it's different. He does have a gf and I have a bf, though, so it's not like either one of us is talking in that manner.
Well, both of my friends have basically ordered me to visit them. So, I've been convinced and plan to go visit next week, sans child. I figure I need to just get away by myself. Well, my bf knows about it and about him, he seems 'okay' with it all, but I think he's worried considering how mad I've been with him lately. My friend's gf is totally pissed about him spending any time with me. She's known about me, but now that I'm actually coming, not to mention that I'm no longer married, she's jealous and worried. So this will probably be interesting.
I will certainly blog again about this, as it's been heavy on my mind and my heart lately.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Pissed off...
Okay, so I haven't blogged in a while, I know. I started this whole thing to relieve some stress, and it was (ironically) my stress that kept me from blogging. Any who. My BF is in the Guard, and for the past year, has been jerked around about when drill is, when the 2 weeks would be, when he'd get his bonus and so on. It's been a complete nightmare for not only him, but for me since we live together. It would be different if we were just 'dating' and I didn't depend on him for money or shared responsibilities around the house. But I do. So it sucks. And this month has been the absolute worst so far. I am so angry right now. Yes, I know 'that's the military for ya' but it's not right. When he's committed several years to them, they at least owe him what is due. He was supposed to have his bonus 2 weeks ago, and guess what? Still doesn't have it. He did his 2 weeks of required annual training, and guess what? Now they're arguing over WHO should have to pay him! The unit or the detachment? Who cares - pay him and then argue over who to write it off to. This is absolutely putting us into a bind financially because this means he's not getting a paycheck from his regular job since he wasn't working for 2 weeks. Great, huh? We counted on them, just as they have to count on him. Only the issue of reliability seems to be one-sided. Any you know what else? He (BF) doesn't want to 'rock the boat' by complaining. Well, hmmm, how else will this get resolved? It makes me mad that he's not willing to go and fight for what should have been his already. Why isn't his responsibility to me, to our household and family, important enough? I know that I'm just angry, but money is the biggest cause of problems in relationships. He just doesn't seem to get it, though. And all I end up with is a bad headache, stomach ache and a bad attitude because I'm so stressed and pissed off. He gets mad at me for being mad, for thinking he shouldn't take their dumb ass explanations as the final call, that I think he needs to go raise hell until this is fixed. He thinks that what he's told is the way it is. Yeah, right. I've seen it too many times where someone higher up can make things happen. Of course he can't. But he needs to go to someone who can. That's just the way it works.
I hate worrying about money and whether or not I can pay my bills. I hate having to rely on him, much less any man, for this. I wish life were simpler and I wouldn't have to do this. Maybe someday, I won't. But at least if I do have to rely on someone, I wish he were more reliable, or willing to at least fight for what's his.
I hate worrying about money and whether or not I can pay my bills. I hate having to rely on him, much less any man, for this. I wish life were simpler and I wouldn't have to do this. Maybe someday, I won't. But at least if I do have to rely on someone, I wish he were more reliable, or willing to at least fight for what's his.
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